Meds

I really hate swallowing all these pills to stay stable.  I am grateful for them but I hate taking them.  Sometimes I don't and I really pay for it.  When will I learn?

A Glimpse of Eternity

‎"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of 
the power may be of God and not of us." (2 Corinthians 4:7)
I think that this verse has truth beyond the Christian meaning. It applies in 12-Step programs that speak of trusting a higher power to suspend our addictions where we could not. I believe that the best of humanity has a divine spark and the worst behavior of humanity is aided by a "lower power." The acknowledgement of divine forces gives me a glimpse of eternity. Today is not all there is. This is something I feel in my heart, not something I wish to debate about.

The Experiment At An End, Other Practices

So...I have laid out the cards a few more times, sticking to a couple of subjects or questions that one might seek knowledge on.
My conclusions:  I don't see any merit in the cards other than introspection and a firing up of my intuition.  They are like channels for psychological processes rather than accurate fore-tellers or spiritual tools.  Kind of a more complicated form of Solitaire.
I have seen in the Bible where a person can have a "demon of divination."   And I have heard of "channeling" which would imply the assistance of a supernatural being.  Maybe these things are needed for really kick-ass fortune telling.
Not doing that.  Not now, not ever.  I may be rebellious but I do not welcome into my mind or being that which I do not understand.
For the same reason, I will never use a Ouija Board or seek to consult the dead.  Just a matter of self-protection.  I am sure that whatever spirits may roam about also have their own agendas which may or may not be beneficial to me.  I would rather not poke at these spirits with the proverbial stick.
To me, that is something that makes good sense and I can agree with the Bible on that one.  The Bible isn't all bad.  It isn't all good(not a criticism of a higher power, more a criticism of man's penchant for re-writing history).  It is not to be taken lightly.
I know that I take great liberties with my religion and go out of bounds, probably in a very foolish way.   Religion is not just faith, it is a discipline.  I am not good with disciplines.
I will not renounce Christ.  I will not return to atheism.  I will continue to struggle.  This I know.

God's will and human will

To branch out from the gathering of knowledge, I would go to the next step which is deciding on an action (and taking that action).
As a Christian, I am to seek God's will, to wait patiently on Him.
My destiny is in God's hands.  Destiny can be steered by two drivers in my perceptions.  One way is to think that God always wants good for me.  Even trials (not necessarily imposed by God due to a fallen world and an evil enemy but allowed by Him through His permissive will), the most heart-rending trials, are to work to my benefit.  It may not even benefit me in this world, but rather in the next.  This would be the eternal viewpoint, the viewpoint beyond this mortal realm.  Christianity is not the only path or religion that teaches future eternal reward.  The point here is that it is best to allow a divine Being to steer my life's path.  Or maybe that being doesn't need my permission. haha
Second driver:  Human or self-based decisions.  Human will.  Let's take that a step further.
What of decisions for the future based on seeking knowledge through the Occult?
(Side-note:  A sin.  A primarily feminine sin.   I mention the feminine nature of this sin due to accusations of a patriarchal viewpoint in the Bible.  Just an interesting thought.  See link in previous post for an example of this)
This sin may not even be based in spiritual things, evil and demons and such.  As I mentioned, previously, occult knowledge may be (very mundane, this) from good old intuition.
Knowledge and decision.  Whom shall we please?
These are the core issues of humanity.  They are opposites, human knowledge and decision vs divine knowledge and decision.  Is the world spiritual or material.  Do these things have to be at odds? It would seem so biblically just based on the idea of the struggle between the Spirit and the Flesh.

Sometimes I wonder if the gods made us or if we made the gods.  I don't deny a higher power or a pattern or meaning to existence that my small mind cannot comprehend.  I do sometimes wonder at the subconscious roots of religious beliefs.
Merriam-Webster defines religion (definition 3.) as "a cause, a principle or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith.

These kinds of thoughts come from my dual or bipolar nature.  They elate me, they depress me.
more thoughts:  human-knowledge/intution based decisions-can they be blessed by God or are they "outside"?

Knowledge and the Occult

So, rebellion is a sin unto witchcraft (scripture).  And the big beef in the garden of Eden is that Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge.  The temptation was to be as gods.  Knowledge, it would seem, is God's domain and should only flow from Him.
So, we then look to card reading or cartomancy, the Tarot, a practice that seems to be favored mostly by women.  Are these women committing a sin? Are they truly consulting an arcane, possibly malevolent spiritual source for knowledge?  Or are they tapping into that which comes naturally to many women:  their intuition.
I think that intuition is a deep and complex psychological ability based on subconscious attention to detail and conclusions drawn based on that.
Sometimes the Bible seems to mete out singular accusations and punishment towards women.  Painful childbirth, for example.  In the Old Testament, if a woman touched something during her menses, that thing would then be "unclean."  Look it up.  Are some aspects of a woman's nature, her very body,  at odds with the Bible?
Here is an article that I see as a typical viewpoint towards "witchcraft" and women in general:
http://www.intothelight.org/witchcraft-sorcery.asp
Women want to know.  We want to know, to understand, to prepare...for the sake of our loved ones, usually.  We want knowledge...and to some extent, the Occult, the hidden (the hidden knowledge to take a step further) can be at least glimpsed through our intuitive nature.
Is it rebellious to seek wisdom that is not overtly divinely revealed?
Where should knowledge come from?
So is all knowledge God's knowledge?
As usual, I have more questions than answers.
My purpose here is not to sow doubt or condemn.  My purpose is to question.  I hope to find satisfactory answers.  Or maybe I am supposed to just accept the answers and be obedient, whether they are satisfactory or not.  I think my main problem is with the religion of man rather than the spiritual gifts flowing from God.
My criticisms are not exclusively directed at Christianity.  I encounter, bigotry, narrow-mindedness and condemnation among so-called tolerant people who profess to be spiritual through paganism or whatever.  Al I have to do is mention that I am a Christian or that I go to church.  They don't bother to find out about me as a person.  They just...assume... we are all guilty, aren't we?

Beyond Complaint and Some Other Thoughts

I have spent a lot of time on this blog being angry and complaining.  I spent (and may possibly spend more) time focusing on injustices (perceived?).  I have even deleted some entries because they were really really whiny and self-absorbed, much to my embarrassment.
I now spend time seeking understanding.  I want to move to a state of resolution and acceptance.  I am aiming high on that one.  I don't think it will ever be a completed action.  I think too damned much for that.
I have a couple of thoughts in rough draft right now.  I just have to polish them up and look up some references before I publish them.
The subject I will be covering is decision and knowledge based on human sources vs divine sources.  Are they at odds?  Why?
I came to this topic at my local game store.  I had previously bought a key chain with a miniature eight ball on it there.  My uncle admired it so I gave it to him.  My keys (all two of them..if keys signify importance in the world, I don't rate) are free floating on a flimsy little ring so I went in there to find another muddled symbol of my current viewpoint.  I found a poker chip key chain for three bucks.  Didn't want to put less than five dollars on my debit card (due to principles unknown even to me) so I was wandering around looking for something else that was small, cheap and entertaining.
I came across "gipsy fortune telling cards" (verbatim), brand name Piatnik and made in Austria.  (Later research says that they aren't tarot but rather tarock cards, whatever the hell that means and I don't really care)
Oooooo, says my feminine nature...knowledge!  Possibly forbidden!  I wandered around the store some more because I didn't want to get something that would displease a Christian God.  Then I bought them anyway.
I was laying in bed examining them this morning.  They are interesting.  Why these symbols?
**future research/post: card types-are they archetypes?**
I laid out the cards like the instruction manual (brief and vague) indicated.  There were some interesting ideas there.  Purely subjective.  Fascinating.
Part of the reason I am such a profoundly lousy Christian is that I would rather question things and come to my own conclusions than read the Bible and pray.  This stems from my basically rebellious nature which is pretty darned bad, according to the Bible.  I can plead that I am a victim of circumstance, stepped on and bullied by one particular screwed up grownup throughout childhood.  Push me too far, I am likely to push back rather than turn the other cheek.
Not that I am trying to upset any divine entity.  But you get the idea on my general nature..when I am not feeling indifferent, that is.  Balance this out with bouts of extreme guilt and that is what being bi-polar is, in part...to me.
I am just rambling here.  Next couple of posts will be more focused.  I know cos I already wrote them.  So all 1.5 of my readers have some more convoluted concepts to look forward to.

Hell. Again.

I have had a serious problem with the concept of hell.  I did gain a new insight last night, however.  I was chatting online with someone who is a new-age type of person.  He was berating the church for the concept of hell.  I was telling him that I have had this viewpoint too.  Then I had a thought that gave me pause. 
"What to do with someone like..oh..Hitler?"  Would Hitler be a good candidate for hell?  Hell is a place of punishment for those who need justice served to them.  So...should there be a hell to hold people like Hitler?  Should there be justice for those he committed heinous crimes against?
I asked my online acquaintance this question.  He did not seem to have an answer.  I don't know completely what I think about this either.  But there is definitely one viable candidate for a place like hell that I know of.  There is at least one human being in need of divine judgement.