I hate taking my medication. I skip it a lot. I don't know why I am so resistant.
But I pay for it. My thoughts become disorganized, weird, scattered. I can't get out of bed til noon then at night I keep waking up from bad dreams. I get irritable, angry, easily provoked.
The manic thoughts begin to surface then assert themselves as perfectly reasonable. I feel like laughing, crying, screaming from one moment to the next. I get a little paranoid.
The drugs save me but they hurt me too. I have gained so much weight because of them. I have received grief from family for being overweight. It's not my fault. Some of the medications I've been on have been recalled or are still used but dangerous. They can cause a diabetes-like state. They can cause fatal liver damage. They can cause twitches that may not go away. Drooling.
But what can I do? The bipolar is getting worse. I am worse than I was five years ago. It is progressing.
I have to be on the medication. But I hate it. I should be grateful. I am somewhat grateful but fearful and angry too.