Eternal Reward

I am feeling badly for myself today. I am having many difficulties in life. When I was a Christian, I had that hope of reward, the hope of the Celestial Parent giving me a hug and saying "Hey, sorry about all that. I'm here to make it better" at the end of my life.
What is it called? Validation. Yes, validation is what I'd hoped for in the afterlife. It was comforting.
Now I have no comfort. I haven't come up with a replacement security blanket. My life just seems pointless, the suffering I've endured, all the crazy shit that happens in the world. It doesn't have any rhyme or reason for me. I don't have a reference point.
One can learn from painful experiences but how many lessons are there? How much redundant crap does one have to go through? I don't buy that whole thing either.
I feel empty. I feel powerless.
Should I return to Christianity, to something I've always had a hard time with? To the fear of hell and the burden of heaven? Should I return to belief in a god who, at best, is somewhat impotent, and, at worst, willingly allows evil?
I've got nothin'.