I guess I am not very good at being an atheist or an underachiever. I see so many on message boards, etc who are so full of conviction about it, so unperturbed by the lack of a deity.
Not me. I wish there were some divine person out there who could give me the extra edge to go on surviving in this upside-down world. Upside-down, back-assward world.
I reflect on my time as a Christian, how faith gradually turned into "Where the hell are You when I need You?" I was so certain that there was a god out there: whether he was good, bad or indifferent.
Mostly indifferent, it seems.
There seemed to be evidence but I think a lot of it was my emotions and perceptions leaning towards what I wanted to see.
I feel very depressed as I write this.
I guess I can just keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking action when I can and employing wu wei when the path is uncertain.
Once in awhile, I do pray "in case you are out there."